There is a lot of talk about Chronic Pain and it’s impact on our lives and others, but what about when you live in a household when more than one of you suffers from pain.
Don’t you just want someone to take care of you when you feel bad, but then if that person is sometimes sicker than you are, even possibly suffering more, how does that work. Here is what I mean. I suffer from chronic illnesses, but my husband has issues as well.
He has aches and pains constantly and so we seemingly suffer quietly with each other. He has had some medical issues in the last few years, from diabetes to hernias to arthritis.
But what about needing the other to take care of the other? What I mean is you see one person getting sick in the movies and the other taking care of them, or one listens by commiserating with the other one. The stuff of fairy tales. One gets hurt and the other would lay down their lives taking care of the other. Having the compassion of twenty.
What happens when you both get sick and it becomes to each his own?
There are tons of articles and blogs about the power of “the healing touch”. I’m sure it it’s all miracles and stuff and also to have someone seem like they understand you’re hurt and sweep in to the rescue. From the doctor who may not be able to help, but can show compassion, to a partner in a relationship who can do the same.
What happens when there is no one left to give you that compassion because they feel just as bad and have nothing left in them to give? What happens when you have doctors who are curt or ridicule or downplay your pain? What happens when the healing touch can cause pain?
It’s more common for people to misunderstand your pain than to be compassionate about it, because it’s you feeling it and not them.
There is a tendency to understand your pain more as opposed to someone else as well. There even could be a bit of resentment thinking the other is doing it on purpose to be sicker to make it that they don’t need to take care of you or they don’t want to so they exaggerate their aches.
And if you finally agree that you both feel awful and then you kind of sit with each other and try to be nice to one another. How do you survive just existing with one another this way?
Having chronic aches and pains that don’t kill you but seriously affect your mood and mentality can have very very harsh consequences on a relationship.
Not that you don’t love the person you are with, but constant mood dips because of this can seriously curtail the bonding fuzziness you feel for someone over time. Resentment can set in and you have to be careful to not let if destroy an otherwise strong relationship.
I have a few suggestions.
- Laughing can help most situations, as in a sense of humor, but it’s important to realize that teasing someone and laughing at their expense is not what I mean here. That can be viewed as mean and antagonistic.
- There will be some good days and you have to cherish those, and believe in the hard days that you may see some of those again.
- Be Tolerant. This one is a big one. When you deal with pain but have to understand that the other person is in pain too and you have to be nice about it, you can feel intolerant of always having to be understanding of it. You have to reach deep down and realize that they are feeling just as bad as you are and try to be nice to one another at all cost.
- Take a Break. If you need a change of scene, having a break is sometimes the best thing you can do. They have a saying in French that says “change the pain places”, which means change the walls and company and your mindset might change too.
- Remember that you love each other and that this is possibly the illness and health, the good times and bad times part of the vows you said to each other, so try to be as kind as you can.
- If you can’t be kind. Be quiet. Sometimes being achy can bring out the very worst in your personality, so instead of lashing out. Try to remove yourself from the situation of just stay quiet until it passes. You are most likely to do less damage that way.
The last thing I would suggest is to be kind to yourself. Try to find things that don’t require anything from anyone. Like a nice bath, a warm blanket or a comfortable spot.
Being disappointed in your expectations of someone being the hero in your life to be at your beck and call can really let resentment set in. Try to understand that it doesn’t always work out that way.
If you are having a good day, try to do something nice for someone. Take care of the cooking for them by planning out some meals, giving them a break. Offering them a cup of tea. Anything to try to let them know you care.
Try not to be a martyr. Sometimes it feels like if you do you might get more attention, but it rarely works out and just leaves everyone around you feeling like they have been manipulated and uneasy.
Try to find something that uplifts your spirit and your mind and smile at least once in your day and never give up hoping on a better day.
If you try different things and if everything else fails, then try to talk to each other and see if anything can be done to help one another. Communication has always been the key to everything that has been important enough to save. Use it any chance you get.