What’s Your Meaning Here?

I remember in my twenties and thirties, always telling people that I felt as if I was waiting for my life to begin. That I was observing and not really in there, just waiting. I waited a long long time. Thinking that just around the corner something magical or fantastic would happen and I would be awed and my life would begin. I kinda blame the story “Cinderella” for this, even though I knew that it was a fairy tale.

One friend has a blog called “Living on Stand by” and it clearly was the way I felt for a long time. It’s like I was waiting for someone, for life to discover me.

But something fantastic happened. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. For years and years, I was a housewife, bored and uninterested. A mother taking care of her kids. And while these boys always brought so much joy and happiness in my life. I still felt as if I was just sitting there waiting for something else. It couldn’t be all about meals and diapers and laundry, could it?

I had all this imagination, all this talent and nowhere to put it. I felt stuck without any opportunities for me. I thought of beauty as what I was told and what I read so I was not beautiful enough to be a star, not skinny enough to be a model, not a good enough singer to be famous. A writer without an audience. I wondered why the hell I got all this inspiration when I had nowhere to put it.

Every time I read about something I wanted to try I got discouraged by all the negative outcomes and felt defeated before I even began.

You have to remember, the internet was not like it is now. End of 80’s and 90’s offered a lot less than today. And sitting down writing on a piece of paper was daunting since I hated my handwriting and still do (I did do it nonetheless, and had a few articles published in the local papers), but I always just stuffed those odds and ends in a folder without much more thought and forgot about them.

I came upon these things a few days ago and started reading through them. First thought was; oh how young I was once. Second thought, even then I didn’t know where to go with all of this, but I still tried. Even when I felt that not one person would ever read my words, I still wrote them down. Even when I thought it was hopeless, I still tried.

I remember days feeling the desperation of never ever having my words become anything but some old scratchings on a piece of paper for someone to throw out when I die at 90.

I felt so unimportant and small. Forgettable. Forgotten. Forever Waiting.

What changed?

Everything. Nothing. Time passed and after my Dad died and I saw the remains of his life, the first decision I made was to stop waiting. So we started traveling beyond our little circle. First about 8 hours away and then over 30 hours away 3 years later. I decided that the pictures of the ocean were not good enough for me. I realized that it is possible to fall in love with nature. My husband bought me a camera and I started taking and actively trying to find the beauty around me.

After all these things, the walls of my little box in my mind that stopped me from doing things started to fall open and doors opened and my mind expanded. I stopped thinking ” I can’t”and started thinking “Why the hell not!”

I found new passions of wanting to be free and feel free. I found old passions, like writing and creating and found a way to share them. I found that if you wait a few years, suddenly new opportunities show up for you, especially when it comes to technology.

There is so much more I want to do, and I find that now it’s a question of when instead of “maybe” or “if”. It’s quite wonderful to see yourself as successful regardless of where you are and feeling like the world is open to you.

I am no longer waiting for something or someone to find me, because I realized that the only thing that needed to happen was for me to find myself. I have and want to keep exploring the new opportunities that open up every new minute that I am here.

My suggestion, stop waiting. If you stand at the fork in the road, all you are ever going to do is stare at the two roads in front of you. If you make up your mind and start walking you might actually start seeing what’s there and nothing ever stops you from turning around and trying the other road if you don’t like what you are seeing. And you know what they say, you’ll never know if you don’t try!

*Picture is my first experience with the Atlantic Ocean, also the day I fell in love (other than my husband). He knows and it’s ok! He kinda fell in love too!


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