Ever hear people say they wish they knew better or sooner and wished they had not wasted time or years of their life with situations or people.
I used to think that way. Especially with money situations, or certain toxic people.
I would think of all the lost moments of bliss that I could have had sooner if only I had known better.
But as I think of it, the truth of the matter is, I needed the darkness and sadness in my life to make me who I am and more importantly to make me appreciate even more what I have now.
When my husband and I had very little when we started out and were eating spaghetti with homemade ketchup for a straight week to make sure that our little one got what he needed.
I don’t regret those days. Those moments taught me what it was to love someone enough to make sacrifices for them this way. It also taught me what kind of partner I had.
My abuse issues, my abandonment issues, my self-worth issues have all taught me how to fight in my life and learn what I needed to fight for.It also taught me that some will find your weaknesses and prey on them. They find what button to push and you can see them get pleasure from your pain.
I used to have a hard time to spot these people before, but I’m getting better at it and quickly let them be. And usually as far from me as I can.
I remember a certain person writing in an email to someone I thought was a good friend of mine one day the very words that I was so afraid of hearing all my life, what my little internal voice kept whispering in my head quietly. “She will never amount to anything. She is in a little town and is a nobody. She is worthless.” To actually see those words delivered by a friend who never defended me from the person who wrote them brought me rock bottom in feeling the sorriest I had ever felt.
I suddenly felt unworthy of anything. I felt worse than worse. I remember this moment now because it was at that point that I realized that both those people were not worthy of my time.
Every time I remember this, I know that even if I had not done anything else but be a mom to my kids that I was someone, in my little town with my little family. We are all someone, and all originals worthy of everything life has to offer.
I don’t regret anything, because for every moment and every lesson learned, I get stronger and more at peace with myself.
I let go of a lot more for my own sake and my health.
Still working on this though because sometimes there is no walking away when you are working with some or dealing with others because commitments or engagements that can’t be helped. But you can decided just how much of your attention and time you want to give and go with it.
But learning to deal with it or actually letting go altogether of things can make you blissfully and knowingly ignore the crap that is there to steal your happiness away.
We were not made to handle the mental crap that is there today making our every day thoughts so brutal. Stressing us to the point where we are breaking down which is simply our minds way of saying STOP!
As Gnarls Barkley once sang:
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space
I believe I have been in this place a few times. And it is very quiet and nice to be there. Because it’s like a reset. You let go of everything to make room and make space. A quiet place with nothing in it. An nice clean empty room. First thing you do is open the windows and let in the light and then decide the rest carefully.
Make sure you don’t let people fill up that space with crap and be grateful for your experiences, good and bad. They have made you the awesome being you are today!