After a very emotional up and down weekend. I am continuing my journey into saving and healing and eventually freedom.
Freedom is a state of mind, but I am more about a physical freedom of doing what I want by having enough funds to get me to an eventual pension check of retirement. Now I know it won’t be huge, but I am OK with living with less. I’ve come to realize that most things in life are not owned materially but spiritually. And spirituality is not owned but more a state of being.
The thing is, I am learning that my emotional state is also looking for freedom.
After an emotional weekend going from being thankful for my beautiful family at Thanksgiving to revisiting the pain of childhood for the first time in 37 years, it’s been a whirlwind of emotions running the gambit.
Now last night after I quieted down my mind, I listened to a YouTube channel suggested by a good friend called Buddha at the Gas Pump. It had a guest on that was speaking of whether we are aware of it or not, we move in the direction of getting rid of toxic conditioning in our lives.
Meaning this, no matter what we are taught, no matter how negative, at one point our bodies, souls, whatever we live with on this planet will look for the light and energy and try to take away that negative re-enforcement so we can live in this light of who we are truly meant to be. To follow the journey we were meant to live.
She also spoke of the physical ramifications that can happen from going through this kind of pain and heartache as a child and how it affects the body at the molecular level, because we don’t know how to deal as children with intense situations so we store it in our bodies.
Now for some time now and doctors finding bindings inside my reproductive systems, I know this to be true. I think I’ve always known. In a way, my lower body has tied itself into a knot. How’s that for a plain and simple way of letting you know something has to change.
So my journey has begun. And my journey means letting go. Letting go of what I think we should have as in just like the Jones. If the Jones bought a new car, do I need one too. No. I can be happy for them. Ask for a ride and enjoy it with them, remark on their happiness and fun and then go home and enjoy my own stuff.
Don’t bind yourself to others stuff, or try to make your life look like someone else’s.
Then get rid of the obsolete or stuff that clutters our houses. That includes bills and services you don’t need. Re-vamp where you can free up spaces and money. Money does not bring happiness, but does provide opportunity to free you from other things that binds like forever payments on everything. When used properly, it can offer freedom to live in abundance without having millions. By utilizing what you have smartly, you can feel the freedom and unbind your life of vicious circles of money in and out with nothing to really show for it.
Let go of what you think you need but really don’t. Just take a moment and really think about it. It might be exhausting initially to get rid of stuff but it will make you feel so much better.
Then finally and probably the hardest one of all. Get rid of the crap that is crowding your mind and heart. The stuff that’s been in there causing constant damage since forever. The toxic conditioning that you have learnt or have observed. The one that shaped your life from pain.
You may even think that you need all the stuff you didn’t have as a kid to make you happy, but it’s just another form of conditioning.
We were always broke when I was a kid and although I think to be smarter with money as an adult. I am still working on the premise that we are broke even if everything is paid. The fear of being broke, the fear of loss of income. Fear fear fear. We are fine, but I am still reacting to a conditioning that was instilled in me about lack.
If you stop thinking of always living in lack, abundance will suddenly find you and you will find you have exactly what you need without ever feeling as if you are sacrificing anything.
Realize that all of this may take awhile and you will not miraculously heal overnight. My bounds are still firmly inside my body, but I want to help me heal now. I want to let go of the pain, but that may mean that I have to feel it first and then I will be able to let it go.
Take the moments you need to rest, to cry and then rest again. You may need a break once in awhile from painful stuff to just breathe and regroup and that’s OK too.
There is no right way or wrong way to do this, just your inner compass to let you know and you will know if it’s the right thing to do. Trust in yourself.
Go at your speed, this is your journey and it’s all about that. Your journey.
Even in my intense emotional discomfort this weekend dealing with childhood memories, I will admit one thing about all this.
Even through the tears there was immense relief I felt and still do every time they fall, because I know I am finally feeling this pain, finally letting it be, letting it break me and fix me all at once.
I also realize that this black hole has been very comfortable for me since we have had all this time to get acquainted, but it doesn’t mean its the right place for me to be. Comfortable can be the crutch that stops you from being who you were meant to be.
I’m also hoping that the empty space that it leaves can finally be filled with love instead of food or any more pain or anything else that I have conditioned myself to receive.
That I can finally fill it when its right and not with stuff that I don’t need, just because I need to fill a black hole. That this black hole will be filled with light and hope.
I believe it will happen. It can and it will.
Hope your journey brings you to healing at a molecular level that will strengthen your body for this fabulous road that we are all on.