Some people are intricate and difficult and you may not get along even if you love each other to pieces.If only one of you would have just taken the time to say I love you or hug to break down the walls of hurt and anger, would love have turned things around? I think it might have.
There is nothing that can be done now but to say I wish I had been the bigger person, I wish I had hugged you when you were mad, told you to lighten up and bug you until you did, made you understand that even though I looked like the woman that you were in the bad relationship with, that it was safe to love me and that you could trust me with your heart, cause there is nothing more precious and loyal than a child’s love for their parent, even the bad ones.
I know I did the right thing by walking away from the hurt and mean when I had to, but wish that my ego had not stopped me from trying just a little harder, but then again we were both pretty angry for a lot of reasons.
I should have known that your experiences in life had contributed to the fact that you had to overcome some pretty nasty stuff and lies of your own that shaped your thoughts at an early age. And that every time someone cheated or lied to you, it just re-enforced your way of thinking. Closed you off and made you very harsh and judgemental. How people constantly disappointed you, because you expected it.
I am so grateful that we did have a short time of peace between us and I knew the love was always there and for that I am grateful.
I am sad that we did not have more time. More meaningful words, more healing for you.
I talk to you often as you know. I still tell you how much of a pain you were to me and since you are gone I can see now that my relationship with my kids has become a good one.
We are comfortable with each other and I understood the meaning in their eyes when they wanted my acceptance, cause I can remember wanting the same from you. I try to not let my life’s hurt and disappointments shape my relationship with them.
I show and repeat to them that they will always have someone who believes in them. And I can see now that my relationship with you was important and detrimental for me learning this in my own life with my own kids. I wanted to make sure they never felt the way I did. And as much as I know you probably didn’t mean to be hurtful, well not all the time, I am thankful when I am reminded to change my ways when I see that hurtful look on others faces when I speak out of turn, it reminds me of my own and what I wanted to happen then.
I’ve come so far in the five years since you have left. Gone is the girl who was so sure she was right about everything, to the woman who would just rather have peace and happiness. The lady striving to find the simple abundance that is usually just there when she is at her quietest.
I don’t put up with nonsense or people who are nasty. But today on this date, I wish I could go back and hug you and say to you at your worst; “please be kinder to me because you know that you can trust how much I love you,” instead of turning away and staying mad and hurt?
And isn’t it funny that in death our relationship has gotten better.
I can feel your presence often and maybe that’s why we are finally getting along since your essence is more meaningful that your words ever were. Your love can be felt more than your actions ever showed and your energy is more vibrant than your anger ever was.
If I’m to believe that we are all learning and living as we are intended, then all that I have learnt is meant to be and my life is unfolding as it should.
I love you Dad and miss you. I guess our relationship has been on my mind lately with all this research into your life and the post looking for your son, my half-brother. Another life and another man I know so little about.
I got to see your face more than usual and so you are always close to the surface these days.
I find it incredibly interesting to look into your past and I wish I could share it with you, because I believe it would have been something that you would have loved to be involved in, something that would have brought us closer together. I like to think it will bring us closer now.
I plan to go see where your grandparents lived just before your mother was born this weekend and I will be bringing you along with me in my thoughts and with my heart.
It feels right and it feels like it’s time. I promise to tell your family’s stories as only people in our family can, and immortalize you to the best of my abilities for our future generations.