My basic belief is that we come here on this planet with a specific lesson to learn. It took me a while to figure it out what mine was but as I look on in my life, I see a recurring theme.
I think I may have figured it out. My lesson is this life is to learn about abandonment and/or exclusion.
I have realized in quite a few instances how this has happened to me. First with my biological mother who in her short life, tried at least twice to leave me behind at an orphanage or some sort of facility might have set up my lifetime for such a lesson. This left me feeling unloved and inadequate a lot of my life.
In school, I was in a relationship with two friends, but one friend was always vying for the others attention. Not mine. I would lie to get their attention, which only got me ridiculed. I stayed away from them in high school when I met people who gave me their full attention. (I thank all of you who did, Sheryl, Jamie, Rob, Ed, Kelly and I’m sure I’m forgetting some of you, but you were the best! I felt like an equal to you guys, and never second best, your smiles when you saw me at the beginning of each day made me feel like someone was happy to see me and would miss me if I was not there). These friends I found where the very meaning of important to you when you are a teenager.
Then younger even before my school chums, I went to live with my father when my mother got ill, but he now had a very nice new wife. I never felt like I got his attention except for critical speeches, because of his intense fascination with my soon to be adoptive mother and much younger bride. I always sort of felt like I was in the way. I remember when his mother died and he hugged me (I was 19 at the time), I thought, I don’t remember the last time my father hugged me. I think I cried more because of that than anything else. Our relationship was strained until the end where I was the only one left for him, so he tried to get closer, but I was too mad to let him fully in (here is a check mark on missed opportunities to love).
My adoptive mother was good to me (and we shared a good relationship, although I was pretty quiet at home, too much to go into there dealing with alcoholism and that is another story) but I always felt caught in the middle between them (they had a very whirlwind relationship).
So now we move on to my own love life. I finally felt like someone loved me and I was number one, but my partner’s mother was such a strong force and was very controlling, so we had to work to get those hooks out, but the kids came very quickly and there again, the kids came first, as they should (as neither myself or my partner had ever felt we had been in our own lives for our own reasons with at least one parent). At this point, I was starting to feel very much like my time to shine would never come. I remember asking my partner.“But when do I come first?”
Even when I had an internet fling, that person was married. And it seemed like I was doomed to never be number one. By this time I was creating the same pattern.
But the kids grew up, we mended our relationship and for quite a while now, my partner probably sensing the need for it, has made me number one. And for this I am grateful. For those of you who know me and wonder why I don’t go anywhere, it’s because I know I am the number one person in this human beings world. And I have to say, it was well overdue and very much needed. Only through this have I been able to focus more on writing and publishing and sharing what I think is important. On traveling and no longer putting obstacles where there were none except for my lack of commitment. And also to try and break the pattern with my own children when I see in their faces how they need our acceptance and love.
As I age, I am coming to the conclusion that I need to be my own number 1. It’s a hard one. Every time someone puts me on hold or steals of my time to give to others, I feel that demon return. That feeling that I am always further down on the list, and that somehow it’s OK on being passed over and made to wait for my turn.
My immediate response is to turn my back on these people. And it should not be (not everybody). Everyone has lives to live and different people to be with. Some don’t do it on purpose. Life is just what they deal with everyday and they are the center of their own stories, as it should be. And I have learned to understand this and not be so selfish.
However, others do go out of their way to be nasty. Some need you to be an audience member, even when they don’t want to acknowledge your presence. And those people I have almost completely gotten rid of. And when the audience is gone, the rest of it disintegrates, because its founded on crap.
I’m a work in progress. I also know that because of these feelings, I probably push myself harder than if I was completely content with myself, and most artist, writers do… It becomes a tool to get to where you need to be. Is there any such thing as a coincidence or are these things essential in becoming successful in your own life. Who knows?
Yeah I know pretty deep thinking for a Monday morning. But I’m lucky for on this Monday, I am still on vacation!
The 20 thousand dollar question is this? What are you here to learn? Have you sat and thought about it? Is there something that upsets you all the time and you can’t figure it out?
This picture was taken on Saturday July 11th at the grave-site of Sam Clemens. The sun was shining on his stone and I looked up to see where it was and snapped this picture. Breathtaking, wouldn’t you say? I think so… more on those travels and discoveries tomorrow.
May the sun find you, no matter at what point you are in your life and shine on you.
Here’s a song that always makes me happy no matter what. It represents hope.
Here comes the sun!